What is Love?

When people are trying to make sense of a difficult relationship, they often ask themselves a painful question: "Did they ever really love me?"

It's an understandable question, but over time I've come to believe there may be a more useful one.

Instead of asking whether someone loved you, ask what happened to you in the relationship.

Many people define love by words. They think about the promises that were made, the affectionate texts, the declarations of commitment, or the times someone said, "I love you."

Others define love by actions - working hard for the family, fixing things around the house, paying bills, buying gifts, or showing up in practical ways.

Those things can absolutely be expressions of love. But they are not, by themselves, the thing that makes a relationship loving.

At its core, love creates an environment in which another person can flourish.

Love creates the conditions for authenticity.

When you are loved well, you gradually become more comfortable being yourself. You feel increasingly safe expressing your thoughts, preferences, needs, emotions, and boundaries.

You don't have to constantly calculate how your truth will be received. You don't have to hide parts of yourself to avoid conflict. You don't have to make yourself smaller in order to preserve the connection.

Instead, there is enough emotional safety for your true self to emerge.

This doesn't mean loving relationships are free of conflict. Every close relationship involves misunderstandings, disappointments, and periods of growth. Sometimes we hurt each other unintentionally. Sometimes we discover that our partner's needs differ from our own. Sometimes change is uncomfortable.

But healthy love contains something essential: a genuine openness to understanding one another. There is room for feedback. There is curiosity about each other's experiences. There is a willingness to repair when harm has occurred.

In contrast, many people who find themselves in controlling, emotionally unsafe, or coercive relationships begin noticing the opposite process. Instead of becoming more themselves, they become less themselves. They speak less freely. They question their perceptions. They avoid certain topics. They hide their feelings. They learn which parts of themselves are welcome and which parts create tension. Over time, authenticity is replaced by adaptation.

This is one reason that relationships can be so confusing. A person may genuinely care about you. They may even believe they love you deeply. Yet if the relationship consistently requires you to abandon yourself in order to maintain connection, something important is missing.

Love is not just what someone feels for you.

Love is the environment their presence creates around you.

And one of the most reliable signs that love is present is that, over time, you feel more free to become who you truly are.

Perhaps that is a question worth sitting with:

Am I becoming more myself in this relationship? Or less?

The answer may tell you more than any declaration of love ever could.